Thursday, July 18, 2013

Random Silliness

Sometimes I get an idea that just strikes me funny, like Grant playing practical jokes:

Other times it's something absurd, like the debate over what caused the Civil War. Here's my take:

Finally, I get ideas which are just snarky- What's Gen. Sherman's favorite color? Ash! Here's another:

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Battle of Gettysburg- in text messages! It helps if you know the story- go rent Gettysburg with Martin Sheen and Tom Berenger, you'll be able to follow along. Mostly.

HarryHeth: goin 2 gburg 4 shoes k
HarryHeth: takin boyz w/me
APHill: k boss sez no fighting.
HarryHeth: boyz say just militia we push em out
APHill: no fighting
HarryHeth: just militia we can handle
HarryHeth: militia seem to not run we push harder
HarryHeth: nono is ok just need big push
HarryHeth: WTF this is cavalry?
HarryHeth: Is ok we R winning
APHill: What going on?
APHill: ??
HarryHeth: uh- why cavalry have black hat?
APHill: ???
APHill: Black hat=Reynolds 1 crps.
APHill: WTF U get hit in head? 
APHill: Hello?
HarryHeth: I liek ponies
HarryHeth: newhat big paper bullet big hat paper ow
BobLee: AP I hear a lot of noise'
BobLee: U know no fighting
APHill: um @Heth maybe start fight
APHill: not sure. Heth not making sense.
APHill: I send someone find out k bye.
BobLee: Send Heth here. No fight!
PenDrrr: @BobLee boss big fight I join k
BobLee: no fight. Everybody no fight
HarryHeth: @BobLee ow I gots shot in hed
BobLee: U lucky they shoot U first
PenDrrr: Big fight still. I fight too k
BobLee: No fight.
WoodNleg: boss Early nr Gburg, big fight, we join?
BobLee: @WoodNleg how close?
WoodNleg: Early b there soon. Can fight?
BobLee: all join fight. Beat yankEZ

WoodNleg: W00T C M run!
WoodNleg: YankEZ R run
WoodNleg: We R winRZ
BobLee: @WoodNleg can u take hill?
BobLee: @WoodNleg take hill k thx
WoodNleg: @NotLate- we can take hill?
NotLate: mmm not sure. I C yankEZ
WoodNleg: how many?
NotLate: mebbe like 50. too many I R tired
NotLate: we attack 2mrw.
WoodNLeg: k thx

Longstrt: whatd i miss?
BobLee: big fight=big win
Longstrt: Woohoo
BobLee: bigger fight=bigger win tmrw
Longstrt: Woohoo
Longstrt: wait, what?
Longstrt: why fight here?
BobLee: We won
Longstrt: YankEZ on high ground. we go around.
BobLee: No go around. Attack.
Longstrt: U crzy. high ground bad. We find own ground.
BobLee: U crzy. Men sad if leave ground. We win here.
Longstrt: Men do wht U wnat. We attack here=we lose here.
BobLee: :banghead:Just bring up men k?
Longstrt: Remember Fredricksburg?
NotLate: blah blah Fredricksburg blah blah defense blah
Longstrt: @NotLate Armistead has a plate for you!

BobLee: @Longstrt see? we win drive yankEZ away
Longstrt: they no go away all on ridge +more coming
BobLee: So we beat them too. if there, I attack there.
Longstrt: if there, they want U attack there
BobLee: srsly dude U need help.
Longstrt: I'm just saying
BobLee: this is MY house!
Longstrt: Not really
BobLee: U kno what I mean. I am the MAN.
Longstrt: Chilax bro
BobLee: :D
Longstrt: srsly tho, how U fight in morning?
BobLee: dunno, but best men scouting now
Longstrt: Stuart back? Didn't kno that...
BobLee: Not Stuart.
Longstrt: cuz U sed best so I guess that wuz Stuart
BobLee: Give it a rest dude
Longstrt: U shud like totes courtmartial his srry @zz
BobLee: :sleep:
Longstrt: fine do wat u want. Picketts here
Longstrt: later boss dude.
BobLee: l8r P33T. C U in morning. Salliesboy1863: PICKETT IN DA HOUSE!
Salliesboy1863: Rollin up w/my boyz from viginia
Lo: There's an R george.
Salliesboy1863: do wut now?
Lo: There's an R in Virginia
Salliesboy1863: wut-evr dude. thats why i hav U.
Lo: um hmm. btw, salliesboy1863= srsly lame srsly Lo, U tell him
Salliesboy1863: riiiiight Jim URs is soooo better I say what is the proper format for one who wishes to have a decent, that is an acceptable means of identifying oneself on these devices?
Salliesboy1863: OMFG!
Lo: dude, R U ever a n00b! WTF? Who brought in this l00zr?
Longstrt: dudes, chillax. he's a bro from the UK aight?
BobLee: anyone seen my cavalry?
Lo: DOOOOOD :roflmao:
Salliesboy1863: man that is epic fail! how do u lose cavalry? srsly?:frantic:where my horse at?  

BobLee: Time 2 get up. Got yankEZ to beat
Longstrt: Ready 2 move 2 right.
BobLee: Don't start. too early.
NotLate: Someone call me?
Lo: Yeah, got a plate with your name on it
NotLate: bite me
Salliesboy1863: we r at back cn sum1 move pse?
Longstrt: U wnat we shud move whl army 4U?
Salliesboy1863: that wud be gr8!
Longstrt: smh
Lo: smh :rofl:
BigTX: Rdy 4 battle, just tell me when
Longstrt: chillax Sam
APHill: uh, rdy i guess. Heth is out.
HenryHeth: no i can fight u put me in i get touchdown
BobLee: Gen Heth u sit this out kthx.
BobLee: Gents we meet 2 discuss plan
AOPCINC: I think we shud retreat
WoodNleg: who wants 2 retreat? APHill?
APHill: wasnt me. it wuz kemper STHU hill it was totes U. sick again?
Longstrt: dudes look at name.
Longstrt: we R here to fight...MEADE
Salliesboy1863: cud u come up w/more lame name?
Lo: U mean liek salliesboy1863?
Salliesboy1863: :mad:
Longstrt: dont start that again.
BobLee: Meade why u on our chan?
*AOPCINC is now known as meade*
meade: u not make private. big laugh last night. much lulz
Salliesboy1863: u not be laughing today j@k@zz
*meade is now known as Reb_smakR*
NotLate: we see who get smakd
Britguy: Having accepted the advice of my good friend Maj. Sorrel
Britguy: I have changed to a more suitable, shortened moniker
Lo: still talk 2 much
Britguy: :redface:
Reb_smakR: it ok britguy, u come hang w/winRZ 2day.
NotLate: he IS w/winRZ
APHill: jerk
Reb_smakR: yeah, what APHill sed
APHill: I talk 2 U.
Britguy: Aren't you all afraid Meade will attack?
Longstrt: no
BigTX: meade+attack? not go 2gether
Reb_smakR: C U l8r l00zrs. have fun climbing hill. we wait.
BobLee: I'm changing this to private.

BobLee: k now on 2 battle. @Longstrt u attack 2 right eclair style
Longstrt: wot eclair style?
BobLee: darn u autocorrect! e-c-h-e-l-o-n style
Longstrt: U sure? eclair is better
Salliesboy1863: I can haz eclair 2?
NotLate: If Longstrt get eclair I get 1
WoodNleg: Not eclair, e chevron
WoodNleg: e hello
WoodNleg: we go in 1 at a tiem.
NotLate: Thought @Longstrt was fight?
BobLee: @Longstrt u attack w/@BigTex on right
BigTex: rox bad. we mebbe go around hill?
APHill: Go around me? Thought Longstrt fight?
BobLee: No, rox is clear best men scout it
Longstrt: Stuart is back?
HenryHeth: I liek stew
Longstrt: Oh, cuz u sed best men
Lo: wut iz "hlep"
BobLee: I h8 u all 

Longstrt: @BigTX, u go attack rox.
BigTex: is dumb. lemme go around right
Longstrt: boss say no, attack rox
BigTex: rox no good. go round, hit rear
Longstrt: boss say no, means no.
BigTex: I file protest.
Longstrt: Rox first, protest l8r aight?
SuperSkowt: @Longstrt, yankEZ see us if we march here
Longstrt: do what now?
SuperSkowt: YankEZ hav tower, see us.
Longstrt: U no see towr earlier??? U scout here??!!
SuperSkowt: um...we scout "a" hill, mebbe not "this" hill
APHill: Do what now?
Longstrt: @APHill go back to sleep
Longstrt: @SuperSkowt wut u scout? where?
SuperSkowt: funny thing- I no find now :frown: 
BigTex: NOW we go right?
Longstrt: Turn around march other way
BigTex: that take all day
Longstrt: U in hurry? got somewhere else 2B?
BobLee: @WoodNleg U and NotLate make demonstration to aid Longstrt
BobLee: @APHill u support Longstrt k
WoodNleg: k men will start make signs. WE H8 YANKEZ ok?
BobLee: Wut? no, not that kind of demonstration
NotLate: peaceful or violent protest? brak windoz?
BobLee: no no no. u make attack but not really
NotLate: Like APHill? LOL
WoodNleg: LOL pwnd!
APHill: F U both!
WoodNleg: corn pwnd!
NotLate: aw, man- u wnet there. bad joke
BobLee: u guys fire guns, make lots of noiz, dont attack
NotLate: it just like APHill attack
WoodNleg: :rofl:
APHill: GTH l00zrs UR just jealous h8rz
BobLee: If Longstrt attack win UR attack for real
NotLate: Longstrt=attack? those words no go 2gthr
WoodNleg: LOL
HarryHeth: my boots r on my feet
BobLee: @HarryHeth go back 2 bed
BobLee: @WoodNleg b rdy 2 attk
BobLee: @APHill support Longstrt
APHill: Go @Longstrt go! 

:O o: Longstrt: well THAT didn't work
BigTX: tolld uw e shu go too riiiiii
Longstrt: let docs work we talk l8r
Longstrt: @APHill thx 4 help!
APHill: I support U. U no hear my cheer?
Longstrt: jerk
Longstrt: @BobLee didnt take rox BigTX down many caz bad day
BobLee: it was close
Longstrt: not THAT close
BobLee: I cud see flags going ovr hill
Longstrt: shud be flag ovr @APHill
Longstrt: Flags goin ovr hill carried by yankEZ
BobLee: attks not coord.
Longstrt: there's a news flash :banghead: 
Longstrt: @WoodNleg did u even TRY to draw yankEZ?
NotLate: draw yankEZ? is art class now? LOL
WoodNleg: we demonstrated. NotLate showed how 2 make biscuits
WoodNleg: yankEZ impressed
WoodNleg: they say so. sed "wait here we go get other yankEZ 2 show"
WoodNleg: oh :redface: 
Longstrt: u suk
BobLee: SMH :O o: 
BobLee: glad u cud make it
Longstrt: hey gr8 can u find out where yankEZ R? before we fight? oh wait... 
caval33r: dudes wot w/all the h8? umadbros?
APHill: yes
WoodNleg: yes
Lo: heck yeah
Longstrt: ur ride=epic fail. u r l00zr
caval33r: wut evs. yall just h8n cuz im so awsum
BobLee: @caval33r can i talk to you a minute?
Lo: busted!  

caval33r: @BobLee u wntd 2 C me boss?
BobLee: there R sum Os who feel u let us dwn
BobLee: that I shud monkeystomp u into da grnd
caval33r: WTH? I go away for a cpl 3 days and playah8rz take ovr?
BobLee: not playah8rz. u spozd keep us updated on yankEZ
BobLee: u not do this. YankEZ here. How yankEZ here Jebster?
caval33r: must've slipped by
BobLee: the entire AoP? slipped by? they cudnt slip by if they were in timbukfrikkin2!
BobLee: it's the AoP. They got surprised by that possum. Rmmbr? and u missed them.
caval33r: but i gots tons o loot. besides, when AOP kno I'm here they run.
BobLee: :O o:
caval33r: no it tru i swar. richmond times sez "when stuart arrives yanks will run"
BobLee: srsly dude u need to stop reading papers.
caval33r: paprz R awsum. they kno the score. I R the best evah.
BobLee: see, that's the prob. U think u so great
caval33r: I AM GR8
BobLee: :thumbsdown:
BobLee: remembr that time the papers sed u cud fly liek u on pegasus?
caval33r: good tiems :smile:
BobLee: no, remember u thot u really cud and made ur men gallop over cliff?
caval33r: :redface:
BobLee: like 50 dudes ended up in hospital
caval33r: they lacked faith.
BobLee: :eek:
BobLee: WTH dude?! OK- U stay wher I can C U from now on, k? gr8. 
Longstrt: hey boss
BobLee: waddup P33T?
Longstrt: nada mucho. wat plan 4 tmrw?
BobLee: hey diddle diddle st8 up da middle
Longstrt: :O o:
BobLee: wut?
Longstrt: after 2day, another attack, in middle??
BobLee: 2day not so bad. Ask anyone.
APHill: 2day not bad at all.
Longstrt: U didn't do anything!
APHill: Not tru! I "support" you. u no liek support?
Longstrt: Support=fight. u sit on @zz
APHill: Fight=fight. Support=b rdy 2 fight. i rdy.
Longstrt: U always rdy, never fight.
APHill: That BS! Remembr "AP Hill came up"?? famous
Longstrt: famous cuz u paid off reporter.
Longstrt: wut about other battles? U no come up.
Longstrt: u no do anything.
NotLate: Not tru- he very good at hold down cot :D
WoodNleg: tru! APHill have magic cot. Liek magic carpet but cot.
WoodNleg: fly off 2 yankEZ if not held down.
APHill: GTH jerks. i fight plenty!
Salliesboy1863: tru, P33T transfr him cuz always fight
APHill: I h8 u all  

Longstrt: @BobLee srsly boss, strayt ahead?
BobLee: yup
Longstrt: wth for? we try both side and no work, why middle?
BobLee: because we try both side and they no work, duh
Longstrt: ???
BobLee: I swear P33T u dense as 2 short planks. ok it EZ
BobLee: We try left side, no work
BobLee: We try right side, no work
BobLee: Only side left is middle, that must be right one.
Longstrt: SMH
BobLee: wut now?
Longstrt: do you have any proof that the middle must be rt 1?
BobLee: U play shell game? if pea not under left and not under right where pea?
Longstrt: this not shell game!
BobLee: yeah but principal is same...
Longstrt: no it not! YankEZ w8 4 us in middle.
BobLee: no no dey move 2 sides to block us, middle open.
Longstrt: and when we move 2 middle, so do they
BobLee: meh, @WoodNleg will faint.
Longstrt: probably, but how that help?
BobLee: Ugh! autocorrect. F-E-I-N-T
Longstrt: faint more likely.
BobLee: go to bed P33T. we talk more tmrw kbye. 

BobLee: ok evy1 up an at em. 3rd day we win.
Lo: he sed that on 2nd day. and 1st day
Salliesboy1863: and Chancellorsville
Lo: we won at Chancellorsville George.
Salliesboy1863: We did? alright yay us
APHill: why we fight so early?
NotLate: u wanna fight? I clobber u Hill!
APHill: chillax NotLate, not talkin 2u
APHill: but I cud take u any day any time
WoodNleg: as long as it not 2 early
Longstrt: epic!
Lo: booyah!
APHill: bite me all y'all
BobLee: ok, @Longstrt we plan now
BobLee: I send all ur troops up middle
BobLee: big charge, yankEZ run
BobLee: caval33r swoop on them, run them 2 DC
BobLee: told him to bring me chair
Longstrt: uh huh. U C cavalry on my flank? I give u all troop, they chase US
BobLee: yes, u give all troop, they chase US.
Longstrt: no, I give u all troop, yankEZ flank my troops
BobLee: so what problem? u give me all troop, u have no troop 2 flank.
Longstrt: SMH u been talk to caval33r again?
BobLee: Longstrt u just grouchy. this piece of pie
HarryHeth: I can haz pie?
APHill: yeah, where pie at?
NotLate: if Longstrt get pie I get pie.
Lo: until then, shut piehole LOL
Salliesboy1863: LOL
Britguy: oh most humourous, most. I am literally laughing out loud
Lo: SMH :nah disagree:
Salliesboy1863: Arthur, that wut LOL mean
Britguy: oh.
BobLee: @Longstrt I give u APHill troop
NotLate: yeah, they not been used
WoodNleg: duuuude!
APHill: :stomp: 
BobLee: Ok here plan:
BobLee: Longstrt attk w @Salliesboy1863 div
BobLee: Plus @ProfP from @APHill corps
BobLee: Need 1 mor gen fm APHill
BobLee: @Longstrt who u think wud b gud?
Longstrt: how the h311 wud I kno abt Hill corp? ask him
BobLee: No can find. bark 4 shark prob.
Longstrt: technicolor yawn
NotLate: prayn 2 porcelin pot
Britguy: ??
Salliesboy1863: hurlin yakkin
Lo: barfing
Britguy: oh, I see- attending a performance at the vomitorium!
Lo: dude, u jus dont get txting do u?  

BobLee: @Longstrt I giv u tremble
Longstrt: uh, do wut now? not sure bout dat
BobLee: frakkin autocorrect.
BobLee: T-R-I-M-B-L-E
Longstrt: it change his name but keep frakkin?
Longstrt: u kno u can turn off autocorrect
BobLee: focus P33T. u liek him?
Longstrt: dont kno him too well. he ok person.
Longstrt: oh. yeah i guess he okay
BobLee: dude it str8 up middle he no hav 2 b genius
BobLee: if Salliesboy1863 can do it he can
Longstrt: d'oh!
BobLee: plan so simple @FightinJoe_AOP.US cud do it
Longstrt: LOL :rofl:
BobLee: jus walk str8 ahead to yankEZ. shoot them.
Longstrt: 2 many steps 4 FightinJoe
BobLee: :D
BobLee: I shoot all cannon. big boom. yankEZ run
Longstrt: boss, i b LT, CPT, Gen, soldier long tiem
Longstrt: tell u now no soldiers can take hill
APHill: u call me? busy now
BobLee: no @APHill
BobLee: not even spartans?
Longstrt: mebbe spartans
BobLee: it all gud bro. u can do it.
BobLee: besides many guns shoot, yankEZ duck
Longstrt: u sure?
BobLee: trust me :giggle:
Longstrt: if we can take hill
APHill: do wut now? who take me where? I sick
BobLee: @APHill turn fone off i find u when need 2
BobLee: @Longstrt u can and u will
Longstrt: booyah!
 Longstrt: @Salliesboy1863, @Lo,, @rubyrichard ok boyz here plan
Longstrt: btw how u doing Dick?
Salliesboy1863: who u talking 2?
Longstrt: SMH. Garnett. Richard=Dick.
Lo: George here dat all the tiem, think it him LOL
rubyrichard: fine, thx 4 aksing
Longstrt: we charge str8 up hill. guide on @ProfP and @Mr.T
Lo: I pity the fool. :bounce:
rubyrichard: :D
Salliesboy1863: :rofl:
Longstrt: haha ok any question?
Salliesboy1863: nope EZ plan
Lo: even George can follow dis plan :D
rubyrichard: :D
Salliesboy1863: :rofl:
Longstrt: @ProfP, @Mr.T any questions?
ProfP: No sir. been at book signing event. sales are poor here. u wnat book?
Longstrt: l8r. u kno what 2 do?
ProfP: yessir.
Longstrt: Mr.T?
Mr.T: I love it when a plan comes together.
Longstrt::O o:
 Longstrt: @Gunguy u rdy Alexander?
Gunguy: yessir wut plan?
Longstrt: u take out yankE btys, then move fwd to cover troops
Gunguy: um
Longstrt: wut prob?
Gunguy: yankEZ have more guns than us. more rounds 2
Longstrt: yeah. shoot careful
Gunguy: :O o:
Longstrt: @Salliesboy1863, @ProfP, @Mr.T form up dudes
Longstrt: @Gunguy fire when u hear signal
Gunguy: firing now
Longstrt: lemme kno when yankEZ beat then we go k?
Gunguy: not sure I kno dat
Gunguy: almost out of rounds
Longstrt: get more
Gunguy: um. no kno where find more
Longstreet: :O o:
Gunguy: supplies moved not kno where
Longstrt: :banghead:
Longstrt: ok lemme kno when u think it ok 2 go. or not.
Gunguy: no way 2 tell. too much smoke.
Salliesboy1863: we go now?
Salliesboy1863: huh?
Salliesboy1863: now?
Longstrt: :unsure:yeah
Salliesboy1863: w00h00
Salliesboy1863: ok up dudes 2 posts
Salliesboy1863: dont forget u fm viginia SMH
Lo: George? the R?
Salliesboy1863: bite me. lets march.
Lo: @rubyrichard Dick why u ride?
rubyrichard: my leg hurts
Lo: Jim why U ride? 2 help Dick
Lo: how dat work? yankEZ try 2 shoot Dick, think I him shoot at me
Lo: um, so U get shot no, they want shoot Dick not me.
Lo: WTH? that makes NO sense!
rubyrichard: and this charge does? LOL 
ProfP: yankEZ fighting? WTH?
Mr.T: mebbe we attack our guys? @WoodNleg where R U?
WoodNleg: got own probs. YankEZ attk me 2. Where DAT come fm?
NotLate: YankEZ=attk not go together. who this?
WoodNleg: mebbe France? liek in french/indian war?
NotLate: yeah, must be french. where yankEZ?
Salliesboy1863: @Longstrt can u ck 2 make sure we in rt place?
Salliesboy1863: we think mebbe attk france. didnt ocean used to be here?
Longstrt: u in rt place. yankEZ fight. u fight better.
Mr.T: ouch
Lo: WTF who put fence here? Stoopid place 4 fence
ProfP: ow
Lo: @rubyrichard where u at Dick?
Lo: Dick? ow
Lo: u ok jim? i feel fine. I dont want to go on the cart.
Lo: almost to top- WTH another wall? charge boyz we almost there.
Lo: ouch.
Salliesboy1863: u guys ok? wat happen? guys coming back.
Longstrt: dis not work
BobLee: @Salliesboy1863 where ur division?
Salliesboy1863: no got division. WTH u think happen 2 them?
Salliesboy1863: think yankEZ have somthin do w it
Britguy: I say, glorious win
Longstrt: dont make me hit u
Caval33r: @BobLee WTH some dude dressed fancier than me!
Caval33r: dis not working. YankEZ not run.
Caval33r: goofy lookin dude keep yellin "WOLVERINES!"
BobLee: @Longstrt ok, this not such good plan. we go back VA k?
Longstrt: best idea u had yet 

Real Confederate Housewives

Tonight on the Civil War Story Channel

It's a full 3-hours of all-new programming premiering tonight.

At 8:00- Yankee Teen Moms. Prudence is getting married- at 16! What was she waiting for? Meanwhile, Hester lost her husband Jebediah at Shiloh. Both families are pressuring her to marry Jebediah's brother, Hezekiah, to keep the property in the family. But Hester's been listening to that silver-tongued Copperhead from down the pike. Will she do what's right? And we introduce Jethro and his cousin Abigail. They're an old married couple who are celebrating their 3rd wedding anniversary along with their 18th birthdays. They've had 5 kids, with another on their way. But watch out- one of the children is ill...could it be- SCARLET FEVER??? Tune in at 9 to find out.

At 9:00 we have an all new season of Cookin' With General George. Tonight our favorite chef and division commander, George Pickett, shows us how to bake shad. Should be good eats!

At 10:00- Real Confederate Housewives follows several of the Confederacy's brightest belles as they fest, feast, and fight.

And stay tuned for a sneak preview of two upcoming shows: Followed by Big Brother, North-South. What happens when you put 5 Yankees and 5 Rebs in one house? Oh- note from our programming director: due to unforseen technical difficulties, and the need for paramedics, BB-N/S will not be seen.

Instead, we bring you a sneak preview of 50 Shades of Confederate Gray.
Anna, a young maiden, is infatuated with the dashing rogue Christian, a daring blockade runner. But Anna is a true daughter of the Confederacy, and won't let Christian woo her unless he mends his ways and supports the South. Will Christian change? Or is he merely pretending so to win Anna's hand? Does she know this, and is she playing her own game? Does he know she knows? Who knows? Tune in to find out!


Welcome to Laughing Reb- or Yank.Whatever. Here you'll find my attempts at Civil War-themed humor- sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail, and sometimes it's a draw. The Civil War resonates to this day, and we still- as a people- fight its battles over and over.

One thing the men knew then, that we seem to forget now- if you can't laugh, you'll go nuts.