Sunday, November 24, 2013

As promised, the Army of the Potomac

Took awhile for NSA to get me the transcripts for the Army of the Potomac texts at Gettysburg, but at long last here they are:

BEEFord: @Reynoldswrap Rebs sightd Gttysbg got good ground want fight?
BEEFord: send reinforcments we hold k?
Reynoldswrap: ok u hold we be there morning.
Reynoldswrap: @WIN, @AOP_CINC, @Oo_HOWARD!, @siklz, @uncle_john, @imnotslow! party @Gttysbg w00t
Reynoldswrap: BEEFord found rebs, i go now, u join me, we smash 'em gud
WIN: w00h00 count me in!
siklz: c u there
Oo_HOWARD!: not if C U 1st
WIN: @Oo_HOWARD! dude that is liek lamest name yet
siklz: srsly. like anyones evr sed ooh howard!
Oo_HOWARD!: and WIN is awsum? or siklz? dat not evn clever
uncle_john: so? URs is just UR initials speld funny
Oo_HOWARD!: sez uncle john. wtf?
uncle_john: my men call me dat. dey love me.
uncle_john: they say dat when fightin
uncle_john: wat UR men say when fightin? oh, sry...
siklz: dooooood! LOL
WIN: oh man that was brutal
Reynoldswrap: srsly howard, u hav army or track team?
siklz: LOL
uncle_john: ROTFL
Oo_HOWARD!: GTH all of u
imnotslow!: haha ya cuz howard men run
siklz: SMH
Reynoldswrap: shake head
WIN: that wuz the joke henry
uncle_john: livin up to UR name dude
AOP_CINC: @Reynoldswrap u go ck out gttysbg
Reynoldswrap: rolleyes already doin dat
AOP_CINC: rest of U keep doing wat u r doin

The next day...

BEEFord: @Reynoldswrap hurry dude rebs attkin big tiem cant hold
Reynoldswrap: almost dere
BEEFord: almost dont cut it man. WTH I gave u plenty of time :(
Reynoldswrap: chillax bro here we come
Reynoldswrap: srsly, a bit hi strung 2day?
BEEFord: :D
Reynoldswrap: @AOP_CINC, @WIN, @Oo_HOWARD!, @siklz, @uncle_john, @imnotslow! pedal 2 metal bros
Oo_HOWARD!: why u put WIN ahead of me in distro! I snr!
Reynoldswrap: 1st it order come to mind
Reynoldswrap: 2nd he do sumthin with troops when get here
Reynoldwrap: no wry he leave room 4 UR men to hold footrace :D
siklz: oh too funny
Oo_HOWARD!: i h8 u all
Oo_HOWARD!: @AOP_CINC Gen Meade other guys makin fun of me agin
AOP_CINC: eyeroll @Oo_HOWARD! Can dis w8 until battle done?
imnostslow!: haha it funny cuz howard troops run
WIN: @imnotslow! dude, keep up will U?
siklz: SMH
Reynoldswrap: IRON_BRIGADE kickin reb butt w00h00
Reynoldswrap: @IRON_BRIGADE dudes lets ck out trees
BEEFord: crap Reynoldswrap got shot
WIN: Im almost there ill take ovr
Oo_HOWARD!: BS im snr i tak ovr i r there now
Oo_HOWARD!: wtf rebs evawhere evawhere
Oo_HOWARD!: front, sides, no way to fight hav 2 retreat
WIN: wow, shocking!
siklz: wut a surprise
uncle_john: got track shoes rdy? :D
Oo_HOWARD!: bite me
AOP_CINC: mebbe fall bak 2 pipe creek?
WIN: no we stay here
AOP_CINC: U sure? already ck out pipe creek. u read circular u see
WIN: giv it a rest meade
AOP_CINC: jus sayin u kno cuz pipe creek is gud place 2 fight
WIN: tell u wut I ask rebs if dey will move to pipe creek jus 4 u.u think dey go 4 it?
AOP_CINC: GTH hancock
2day: pulling bak hvy fightin, rebs on 3 sides, howard men blew by liek roadrunner
AOP_CINC: @2day who dis?
2day: doubleday
WIN: why you name "today"
2day: not "today"- "day" tiems 2. double. doubleday
WIN: eh, beats Oo_HOWARD!
siklz: knox it outta park
Oo_HOWARD! OK hav established new line on ridge outside of town
AOP_CINC: that gud but why no assist @2day?
Oo_HOWARD!: umm
2day: UR men ran thru my lines and not even fightin long time
Oo_HOWARD!: ok mebbe but upside is troops ready 4 fight not worn out
WIN: howard u hav most rested troops in army
siklz: LOL tru tru
uncle_john: srlsy howard u not general u jus tour guide
siklz: LOL
imnotslow!: ya cuz u always retreat
WIN: and once again slocum kills the moment
WIN: ok i'm here i take charge
Oo_HOWARD!: im snr i in command
WIN: 1st u kno fight
WIN: 2nd I haz ltr from AOP_CINC sez I in charge
Oo_HOWARD!: @AOP_CINC is dat tru?
WIN: of course it is
AOP_CINC: well, u see howard i need SUM1 to be my deputy and hancock was closest so...
Oo_HOWARD!: fine i C how it iz
WIN: yeah, he pick genl who fight, not capt of track team
siklz: doooood
uncle_john: epic!
2day: :D
imnotslow!: haha *CALL DROPPED*
AOP_CINC: ok here where evy1 at?
WIN: big house come on in.

The NEXT day...

AOP_CINC: up an at em! got rebs 2 beat
WIN: Up an sit still more liek. Y no atk? dey no dug in
AOP_CINC: it littel thing called state guy
WIN: WTF is state guy?
AOP_CINC: stare gay
WIN: ????????
siklz: LOL WTH is THAT?
uncle_john: um. wow. just wow.
WIN: fnuk?
WIN: sure if we attack :P
siklz: ahahahah
uncle_john: doood
imnotslow: is hancokc rly in charge now? wat orders sir?
adj.meade.aop: MG Meade sez to inform u his fone is out of order
adj.meade.aop: it failed to stop a .44 ball at close range.
adj.meade.aop: we hav sent 4 nu fone
adj.meade.aop: MG Meade sez 2 carry out orders being txt 2 u att
imnotslow: att? I'm with verizon
siklz: dude. that was epic.
uncle_john: att mean at this time.
imnotslow: oh. is hancock still in command?
Meade: ok bak now.
Meade: as i sed. Strategy. Lee atk us, we sit dig in. more men, better ground=win.
Meade: @siklz u taek left, @imnotslow and @Oo_HOWARD right, @WIN middle
Meade: @sike and @uncle_john get moving
siklz: @win dude this position blows
siklz: I R move to hi ground.
WIN: WTF? U leave huge gap in line
siklz: it ok- i have hi ground. decisive
WIN: BS. stoopid. u have hi ground but surrounded and they roll up line liek cheap rug
siklz: I R wing commander!
WIN: when u join RAF? No- U R loony. Meade kno bout dis?
siklz: I independent command
WIN: eyeroll
Warren: hello? anyone? there big hill no troops. lots of rebs.
Warren: anyone? on the way! yo, prof bodoyn, shake a leg!
JLCfmME: it's bo-deen. DEEN. :D need u to hold line. u end of line. no more. only u. u only one. no more.
JLCfmME: dude, got it. @20ME.RGT this is our stop, everyone off.
Meade: WTF siklz wer R U? U NOT ON LINE???
siklz: I R on hi ground. decisive.
Meade: u get flanked both side duma$$
siklz: u think i shud move?
Meade: dunno. there rebs- mebbe go ask them yrself. I'll watch troop til u get back.
siklz: not funny.
WIN: it sure wuz
uncle_John: LOL
Meade: :)
sike: this sux. we just got here alrdy gettin pounded.
WIN: dude, it's called "war"
imnotslow: it quiet here
sike: well noisy here. trade u.
siklz: no better here. pullin back.
WIN: cant pull bak- line go wif u
siklz: cant stay here- no toops left
siklz: troops
JLCfmME: out of ammo need resupply
JLCfmME: rebs still comin
JLCfmME: hllo? anyone?
JLCfmME: ok f*k dis. we rollin. bayonets yo!
JLCfmME: gonna go all augusta on these playas. do it bangor style
sike: wut?
siklz: what?
WIN: wait what now?
Meade: who the hell ordered charge? siklz ima gonna beat yo @zz
siklz: wasnt me it wuz sike
JLCfmME: ok rebs runnin now. gonna chill here on top of little round hill.
JLCfmME: dat gud name- little round hill. battle of little round hill.
WIN: dat work. ok dudes, charge.
siklz: wut he said.
WIN: hmm. not work so well.
Meade: is ok. rebs pull bak now.
Meade: ok bak to hq for discus
WIN: @Oo_HOWARD he talk to U. discus event in track & field, rt up ur alley
uncle_john: BWAHAHAHAH
sike: LOL
siklz: ROTFL
adj.meade.aop: MG Meade sends his regrets
adj.meade.aop: once again his fone failed 2 stop .44 ball
adj.meade.aop: he invites u all 2 HQ for discussion

Later that night...

AOP_CINC: ok not bad fight 2day.
AOP_CINC: gud job evrybody.
AOP_CINC: oh. except for siklz. you suk
siklz: u cnat talk to me liek dat
AOP_CINC: da hell i cant IR UR boss. u no obey orders. do it agin i put boot in UR @ss.
AOP_CINC: @WIN, nice job. @imnotslow u be rdy for morning atk. @uncle_john UR toops to reinforce
uncle_john: toops? liek peeps?
AOP_CINC: @Oo_HOWARD- try to hold UR position. @WIN- if U see Howard, shoot him
Oo_HOWARD: WTF!!!???
WIN: I C howard now, shoot him?
AOP_CINC: i mean tmwr. @Oo_HOWARD- u stay put, hancock no shoot u.
Oo_HOWARD: dat not fair! if rebs atk i may hav to retreat!
AOP_CINC: dont care. stand and fight, beat rebs. or dey shoot u. run, hancock shoot u.
AOP_CINC: either way, SOMEONE gonna shoot u unless u win.
WIN: so wat plan?
AOP_CINC: dig in on wings, reinforce middle. Lee atk there.
sike: how u kno?
AOP_CINC: EZ. he try left- lose. he try right- lose. only thing left is middle.
WIN: ummm...dont think it work that way
siklz: srsly, dat dumbest thing i hear
Oo_HOWARD: mebbe i shud take command on right
siklz: ok- THAT dumbest thing i hear
uncle_john: ROFLMAO
AOP_CINC: @Oo_HOWARD- keep it up i have hancock shoot u now
AOP_CINC: LEe will atk in middle
WIN: but srsly, battle not shell game. not on left, not on right, must be middle. not work liek dat
AOP_CINC: no but lee have no other choice. he have to do something we not expect. he think i reinforce flanks
imnotslow: why dont you?
AOP_CINC: no need. right flank dug in gud arty fresh. plus howard gonna stay to last man. or hancock shoot him.
Oo_HOWARD: >:(
AOP_CINC: left flank been reinforce hav arty on hill now- better than 2day an we won 2day.
AOP_CINC: so lee hit middle an we reinfoce middle
AOP_CINC: ok that plan evry1 hit the rack we whip rebs tmrw.
AOP_CINC: plus, mebbe hancock shoot howard
sike: sumthin look fwd 2
siklz: might be worth it to looz battle just to see dat
AOP_CINC: @siklz we looz battle I personally shoot YOU
AOP_CINC: may do that even if win. u hope i in gud mood tmrw. or u borrow howard track shoes
uncle_john: dooooood!!!
imnotslow: harsh man
AOP_CINC: @BEEFord ruok? rdy 4 tmrw?
BEEFord: we r gud boss. got evry1 fed, rested.
AOP_CINC: who dat new guy i c at HQ? look liek rodeo clown?
BEEFord: haha dat custer. he harmless. gud fighter. liek to show off.
BEEFord: dis outfit tame. he normally wear puffy pants and pirate shirt.lots of bling
AOP_CINC: SMH. can he fight?
BEEFord: oh he fight ok. crazy but can fight. tried to ride horse across lake, thought he could walk on water.
BEEFord: horse drowned. he say "horse lack faith"
BEEFord: *shrug* he nuts but fight reb big time.
AOP_CINC: he better. got enough flashy officers who no fight. #siklz #Oo_HOWARD


AOP_CINC: ok evry1 rdy for reb atk. main atk in center. fake atk on wings.
WIN: @Oo_HOWARD fake atk so mebbe u can fake retreat?
sike: ouch!
uncle_john: :D
Oo_HOWARD: skru U hancock
AOP_CINC: fake or real, u retreat hancock shoot u
uncle_john: umm, why my troops all over place?
AOP_CINC: u were l8, so now u reinforcement
uncle_john: k but wat I do? no troops- no need 4 me.
siklz: i never saw need 4u anyway :p
sike: d'oh
WIN: hahahaha oh man
imnotslow: that sux dude
uncle_john: rly? UR wife doesn't agree ;)
sike: PWNED!!!
uncle_john: other guy? u mean i not only one seein UR wife? how many others?
siklz: THAT IT!!!
AOP_CINC: knock it off, rebz coming on right.
imnotslow: but u sed middle
AOP_CINC: this just diversion not real. i mean, they shoot 4 real but not atk. i mean they atk but not mean it.
AOP_CINC: *sigh* evry1 just stay put and be ready IN MIDDLE
WIN: mebbe we shud pull back to pipe creek ;)
AOP_CINC: i h8 u so much
sike: reb arty opening up
sike: LOTS of reb arty
sike: holy crap that a lot of arty
AOP_CINC: ok this is it stay down evry1 be rdy in middle
AOP_CINC: @WIN hancock wtf u doing riding around! get UR @ss down i cant lose u
WIN: there r tiems a corps cmdr life no count
AOP_CINC: Bulls--t. get off horse or i shoot it out from under you.
siklz: too late, rebs do it 4U. hancock ok, but no can stand. u wnat I shoot howard?
AOP_CINC: u not shoot anyone except rebs, and if u dont do gud job of it i shoot u.
Oo_HOWARD: uh, i gotta go to bathroom
uncle_john: thanks for update
sike: so?
Oo_HOWARD: bathroom over near HQ. Meade shoot me if i leave post...
AOP_CINC: find a frikin tree! stay put!
siklz: i dont beleive it- rebs walking str8 ahead in middle
sike: wth, meade wuz right!
uncle_john: dude, wth r they doing? this dumbest thing since @Oo_HoWARD get command
Oo_HOWARD: f u sedgwick. but ya this srsly dumb
imnotslow: how meade kno wut rebs do? MEBBE HE A REB!!! OH NOES!!!
siklz: SMH
uncle_john: 1st, if he wuz reb, he wudnt have prepared for atk. 2nd shut the hell up
sike: does it bug any1 that meade can figure out most stupid way to atk? ;)
siklz: bwahahaha
uncle_john: LOL
Oo_HOWARD: haha
AOP_CINC: i h8 u all
siklz: rebs still comin
AOP_CINC: hold position. no retreat- ima talk 2u howard
uncle_john: stone wall stopped em
imnotslow: stonewall? but hes a reb. and hes dead. YAY ZOMBIE JACKSON FIGHT FOR UNION
uncle_john: *shakes head* damn ur an 1d10t
sike: srsly, howd u get command? did sum1 looz a bet?
uncle_john: reinforcement to middle
uncle_john: ok they stopped now
siklz: rebz retreat. i lead counter atk ok?
AOP_CINC: u make 1 move i shoot u. no atk
uncle_john: reb cavalry round back
AOP_CINC: we stop them. got secret weapon
AOP_CINC: @starofthewest go get em
starofthewest: WOLVERINES!!!!
starofthewest: gonna be a red dawn for da rebs!
uncle_john: dude, it's liek 2pm
siklz: wut are wolverines?
sike: i think its a fat weasel
starofthewest: wheres stuart? I WILL DESTROY HIM!!!
starofthewest: aha! I C him. wth- red lining in cape? LAME
starofthewest: ostrich plume? SOOOOO 1858!!!
starofthewest: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!
starofthewest: rebs r retreat I R WINNER
AOP_CINC: ok evry1 lets wrap it up.
AOP_CINC: big win today, hard fight but team pulled together in the 4th quarter and hung on 4 win
AOP_CINC: our defense overcame early struggles and made a stand inside the redzone to stop rebs.
AOP_CINC: like to thank our fans and the peeps of PA for their support good job evry1. glad to hear ANV is destroyed
AOP_CINC: thanks. now tiem to rest and rebuild strength.
AOP_CINC: wait, what about ANV? theyre destroyed right? u said big win, i figure dat mean u destroy army.
AOP_CINC: umm. ANV NOT destroyed? wat mean big win then?
AOP_CINC: well rebs not beat us. THAT is big win? u not looz so big win?
AOP_CINC: well rebs r retreat to VA now WTF? u let them retreat? u not atk?
AOP_CINC: um u fn kiddn me? so they walk bak 2 VA and u do wat, hold party? why u even HAV army? u in command to defeat rebs. not host battle 4 them. fight and beat. no more rebs. *sigh* u mebbe atk b4 they cross river?
AOP_CINC: umm. oh for God's sake! ok. u follow rebs, keep them in vA. mebbe even atk, but lets focus on keep in VA. can do?
AOP_CINC: yessir! @SamIam Grant, u got a minute?

Friday, November 15, 2013

A note of thanks

A big thanks to Andy Hall over at Dead Confederates for reposting the Gettysburg texts on his site. Judging from the comments there- and the web hits here- I better get back to work! In my defense, Halloween is a pretty big deal for us, so most of our time from August on was spent working toward that end...but enough excuses!

Coming up on Laughing Reb/Yank:
  • I'll finish the Gettysburg texts for the Union side. Meade's a pretty hot-tempered individual in person- in 140 characters or less, he's bound to be pretty direct.
  • I'm hoping to do a live-action version of "Cookin' With General George"- George Pickett's own offering for FoodTV. First up, a recipe for Baked Shad.
  • More reality TV. Real Housewives is a personal favorite of mine. May try different wives, may flesh the current crew out a bit more.
  • A Mythbusters-type show which goes horribly wrong. "Can one Southern boy beat ten Yankees? We put it to the test!" 
  • I'm kicking around an idea for Sherman, where he tries to apply his "March" philosophy to other business ventures. "Termite infestation? We'll burn 'em out!"
For now, I'll leave you with a quote from my forthcoming novel, "Military Insights Of Benjamin Butler"

(that's right- it's completely blank)

Y'all come back now, ya heah?