Took awhile for NSA to get me the transcripts for the Army of the Potomac texts at Gettysburg, but at long last here they are:
BEEFord: @Reynoldswrap Rebs sightd Gttysbg got good ground want fight?
BEEFord: send reinforcments we hold k?
Reynoldswrap: ok u hold we be there morning.
Reynoldswrap: @WIN, @AOP_CINC, @Oo_HOWARD!, @siklz, @uncle_john, @imnotslow! party @Gttysbg w00t
Reynoldswrap: BEEFord found rebs, i go now, u join me, we smash 'em gud
WIN: w00h00 count me in!
siklz: c u there
Oo_HOWARD!: not if C U 1st
WIN: @Oo_HOWARD! dude that is liek lamest name yet
siklz: srsly. like anyones evr sed ooh howard!
Oo_HOWARD!: and WIN is awsum? or siklz? dat not evn clever
uncle_john: so? URs is just UR initials speld funny
Oo_HOWARD!: sez uncle john. wtf?
uncle_john: my men call me dat. dey love me.
uncle_john: they say dat when fightin
uncle_john: wat UR men say when fightin? oh, sry...
siklz: dooooood! LOL
WIN: oh man that was brutal
Reynoldswrap: srsly howard, u hav army or track team?
Oo_HOWARD!: GTH all of u
imnotslow!: haha ya cuz howard men run
Reynoldswrap: shake head
WIN: that wuz the joke henry
uncle_john: livin up to UR name dude
AOP_CINC: @Reynoldswrap u go ck out gttysbg
Reynoldswrap: rolleyes already doin dat
AOP_CINC: rest of U keep doing wat u r doin
The next day...
BEEFord: @Reynoldswrap hurry dude rebs attkin big tiem cant hold
Reynoldswrap: almost dere
BEEFord: almost dont cut it man. WTH I gave u plenty of time :(
Reynoldswrap: chillax bro here we come
Reynoldswrap: srsly, a bit hi strung 2day?
Reynoldswrap: @AOP_CINC, @WIN, @Oo_HOWARD!, @siklz, @uncle_john, @imnotslow! pedal 2 metal bros
Oo_HOWARD!: why u put WIN ahead of me in distro! I snr!
Reynoldswrap: 1st it order come to mind
Reynoldswrap: 2nd he do sumthin with troops when get here
Reynoldwrap: no wry he leave room 4 UR men to hold footrace :D
siklz: oh too funny
Oo_HOWARD!: i h8 u all
Oo_HOWARD!: @AOP_CINC Gen Meade other guys makin fun of me agin
AOP_CINC: eyeroll @Oo_HOWARD! Can dis w8 until battle done?
imnostslow!: haha it funny cuz howard troops run
WIN: @imnotslow! dude, keep up will U?
Reynoldswrap: IRON_BRIGADE kickin reb butt w00h00
Reynoldswrap: @IRON_BRIGADE dudes lets ck out trees
BEEFord: crap Reynoldswrap got shot
WIN: Im almost there ill take ovr
Oo_HOWARD!: BS im snr i tak ovr i r there now
Oo_HOWARD!: wtf rebs evawhere evawhere
Oo_HOWARD!: front, sides, no way to fight hav 2 retreat
WIN: wow, shocking!
siklz: wut a surprise
uncle_john: got track shoes rdy? :D
Oo_HOWARD!: bite me
AOP_CINC: mebbe fall bak 2 pipe creek?
WIN: no we stay here
AOP_CINC: U sure? already ck out pipe creek. u read circular u see
WIN: giv it a rest meade
AOP_CINC: jus sayin u kno cuz pipe creek is gud place 2 fight
WIN: tell u wut I ask rebs if dey will move to pipe creek jus 4 u.u think dey go 4 it?
AOP_CINC: GTH hancock
2day: pulling bak hvy fightin, rebs on 3 sides, howard men blew by liek roadrunner
AOP_CINC: @2day who dis?
WIN: why you name "today"
2day: not "today"- "day" tiems 2. double. doubleday
WIN: eh, beats Oo_HOWARD!
siklz: knox it outta park
Oo_HOWARD! OK hav established new line on ridge outside of town
AOP_CINC: that gud but why no assist @2day?
2day: UR men ran thru my lines and not even fightin long time
Oo_HOWARD!: ok mebbe but upside is troops ready 4 fight not worn out
WIN: howard u hav most rested troops in army
siklz: LOL tru tru
uncle_john: srlsy howard u not general u jus tour guide
imnotslow!: ya cuz u always retreat
WIN: and once again slocum kills the moment
WIN: ok i'm here i take charge
Oo_HOWARD!: im snr i in command
WIN: 1st u kno fight
WIN: 2nd I haz ltr from AOP_CINC sez I in charge
Oo_HOWARD!: @AOP_CINC is dat tru?
WIN: of course it is
AOP_CINC: well, u see howard i need SUM1 to be my deputy and hancock was closest so...
Oo_HOWARD!: fine i C how it iz
WIN: yeah, he pick genl who fight, not capt of track team
imnotslow!: haha *CALL DROPPED*
AOP_CINC: ok here where evy1 at?
WIN: big house come on in.
The NEXT day...
AOP_CINC: up an at em! got rebs 2 beat
WIN: Up an sit still more liek. Y no atk? dey no dug in
AOP_CINC: it littel thing called state guy
WIN: WTF is state guy?
AOP_CINC: stare gay
siklz: LOL WTH is THAT?
uncle_john: um. wow. just wow.
AOP_CINC: GODDAM AUTOCORRECT. fnuk u all! STRATEGY
AOP_CINC: GTH HANCOCK. U WNAT LEAD ARMY???!!!
WIN: sure if we attack :P
imnotslow: is hancokc rly in charge now? wat orders sir?
adj.meade.aop: MG Meade sez to inform u his fone is out of order
adj.meade.aop: it failed to stop a .44 ball at close range.
adj.meade.aop: we hav sent 4 nu fone
adj.meade.aop: MG Meade sez 2 carry out orders being txt 2 u att
imnotslow: att? I'm with verizon
siklz: dude. that was epic.
uncle_john: att mean at this time.
imnotslow: oh. is hancock still in command?
Meade: ok bak now.
Meade: as i sed. Strategy. Lee atk us, we sit dig in. more men, better ground=win.
Meade: @siklz u taek left, @imnotslow and @Oo_HOWARD right, @WIN middle
Meade: @sike and @uncle_john get moving
siklz: @win dude this position blows
siklz: I R move to hi ground.
WIN: WTF? U leave huge gap in line
siklz: it ok- i have hi ground. decisive
WIN: BS. stoopid. u have hi ground but surrounded and they roll up line liek cheap rug
siklz: I R wing commander!
WIN: when u join RAF? No- U R loony. Meade kno bout dis?
siklz: I independent command
Warren: hello? anyone? there big hill no troops. lots of rebs.
SVincent@aop.usa.mil: on the way!
SVincent@aop.usa.mil: yo, prof bodoyn, shake a leg!
JLCfmME: it's bo-deen. DEEN.
SVincent@aop.usa.mil: need u to hold line. u end of line. no more. only u. u only one. no more.
JLCfmME: dude, got it. @20ME.RGT this is our stop, everyone off.
Meade: WTF siklz wer R U? U NOT ON LINE???
siklz: I R on hi ground. decisive.
Meade: u get flanked both side duma$$
siklz: u think i shud move?
Meade: dunno. there rebs- mebbe go ask them yrself. I'll watch troop til u get back.
siklz: not funny.
WIN: it sure wuz
sike: this sux. we just got here alrdy gettin pounded.
WIN: dude, it's called "war"
imnotslow: it quiet here
sike: well noisy here. trade u.
siklz: no better here. pullin back.
WIN: cant pull bak- line go wif u
siklz: cant stay here- no toops left
JLCfmME: out of ammo need resupply
JLCfmME: rebs still comin
JLCfmME: hllo? anyone?
JLCfmME: ok f*k dis. we rollin. bayonets yo!
JLCfmME: gonna go all augusta on these playas. do it bangor style
JLCfmME: BAYONETS! CHARGE!!
WIN: wait what now?
Meade: who the hell ordered charge? siklz ima gonna beat yo @zz
siklz: wasnt me it wuz sike
JLCfmME: ok rebs runnin now. gonna chill here on top of little round hill.
JLCfmME: dat gud name- little round hill. battle of little round hill.
WIN: dat work. ok dudes, charge.
siklz: wut he said.
WIN: hmm. not work so well.
Meade: is ok. rebs pull bak now.
Meade: ok bak to hq for discus
WIN: @Oo_HOWARD he talk to U. discus event in track & field, rt up ur alley
Oo_HOWARD: GTH HANCOCK
adj.meade.aop: MG Meade sends his regrets
adj.meade.aop: once again his fone failed 2 stop .44 ball
adj.meade.aop: he invites u all 2 HQ for discussion
Later that night...
AOP_CINC: ok not bad fight 2day.
AOP_CINC: gud job evrybody.
AOP_CINC: oh. except for siklz. you suk
siklz: u cnat talk to me liek dat
AOP_CINC: da hell i cant IR UR boss. u no obey orders. do it agin i put boot in UR @ss.
AOP_CINC: @WIN, nice job. @imnotslow u be rdy for morning atk. @uncle_john UR toops to reinforce
uncle_john: toops? liek peeps?
AOP_CINC: @Oo_HOWARD- try to hold UR position. @WIN- if U see Howard, shoot him
WIN: I C howard now, shoot him?
AOP_CINC: i mean tmwr. @Oo_HOWARD- u stay put, hancock no shoot u.
Oo_HOWARD: dat not fair! if rebs atk i may hav to retreat!
AOP_CINC: dont care. stand and fight, beat rebs. or dey shoot u. run, hancock shoot u.
AOP_CINC: either way, SOMEONE gonna shoot u unless u win.
WIN: so wat plan?
AOP_CINC: dig in on wings, reinforce middle. Lee atk there.
sike: how u kno?
AOP_CINC: EZ. he try left- lose. he try right- lose. only thing left is middle.
WIN: ummm...dont think it work that way
siklz: srsly, dat dumbest thing i hear
Oo_HOWARD: mebbe i shud take command on right
siklz: ok- THAT dumbest thing i hear
AOP_CINC: @Oo_HOWARD- keep it up i have hancock shoot u now
AOP_CINC: LEe will atk in middle
WIN: but srsly, battle not shell game. not on left, not on right, must be middle. not work liek dat
AOP_CINC: no but lee have no other choice. he have to do something we not expect. he think i reinforce flanks
imnotslow: why dont you?
AOP_CINC: no need. right flank dug in gud arty fresh. plus howard gonna stay to last man. or hancock shoot him.
AOP_CINC: left flank been reinforce hav arty on hill now- better than 2day an we won 2day.
AOP_CINC: so lee hit middle an we reinfoce middle
AOP_CINC: ok that plan evry1 hit the rack we whip rebs tmrw.
AOP_CINC: plus, mebbe hancock shoot howard
sike: sumthin look fwd 2
siklz: might be worth it to looz battle just to see dat
AOP_CINC: @siklz we looz battle I personally shoot YOU
AOP_CINC: may do that even if win. u hope i in gud mood tmrw. or u borrow howard track shoes
imnotslow: harsh man
AOP_CINC: @BEEFord ruok? rdy 4 tmrw?
BEEFord: we r gud boss. got evry1 fed, rested.
AOP_CINC: who dat new guy i c at HQ? look liek rodeo clown?
BEEFord: haha dat custer. he harmless. gud fighter. liek to show off.
BEEFord: dis outfit tame. he normally wear puffy pants and pirate shirt.lots of bling
AOP_CINC: SMH. can he fight?
BEEFord: oh he fight ok. crazy but can fight. tried to ride horse across lake, thought he could walk on water.
BEEFord: horse drowned. he say "horse lack faith"
BEEFord: *shrug* he nuts but fight reb big time.
AOP_CINC: he better. got enough flashy officers who no fight. #siklz #Oo_HOWARD
The FINAL Day
AOP_CINC: ok evry1 rdy for reb atk. main atk in center. fake atk on wings.
WIN: @Oo_HOWARD fake atk so mebbe u can fake retreat?
Oo_HOWARD: skru U hancock
AOP_CINC: fake or real, u retreat hancock shoot u
uncle_john: umm, why my troops all over place?
AOP_CINC: u were l8, so now u reinforcement
uncle_john: k but wat I do? no troops- no need 4 me.
siklz: i never saw need 4u anyway :p
WIN: hahahaha oh man
imnotslow: that sux dude
uncle_john: rly? UR wife doesn't agree ;)
WIN: NO HE DIDNT!!! ROFLMAO
siklz: F U!!!! I SHOOT U LIEK I DO OTHER GUY
uncle_john: other guy? u mean i not only one seein UR wife? how many others?
siklz: THAT IT!!!
AOP_CINC: knock it off, rebz coming on right.
imnotslow: but u sed middle
AOP_CINC: this just diversion not real. i mean, they shoot 4 real but not atk. i mean they atk but not mean it.
AOP_CINC: *sigh* evry1 just stay put and be ready IN MIDDLE
WIN: mebbe we shud pull back to pipe creek ;)
AOP_CINC: i h8 u so much
sike: reb arty opening up
sike: LOTS of reb arty
sike: holy crap that a lot of arty
AOP_CINC: ok this is it stay down evry1 be rdy in middle
AOP_CINC: @WIN hancock wtf u doing riding around! get UR @ss down i cant lose u
WIN: there r tiems a corps cmdr life no count
AOP_CINC: Bulls--t. get off horse or i shoot it out from under you.
siklz: too late, rebs do it 4U. hancock ok, but no can stand. u wnat I shoot howard?
AOP_CINC: u not shoot anyone except rebs, and if u dont do gud job of it i shoot u.
Oo_HOWARD: uh, i gotta go to bathroom
uncle_john: thanks for update
Oo_HOWARD: bathroom over near HQ. Meade shoot me if i leave post...
AOP_CINC: find a frikin tree! stay put!
siklz: i dont beleive it- rebs walking str8 ahead in middle
sike: wth, meade wuz right!
uncle_john: dude, wth r they doing? this dumbest thing since @Oo_HoWARD get command
Oo_HOWARD: f u sedgwick. but ya this srsly dumb
imnotslow: how meade kno wut rebs do? MEBBE HE A REB!!! OH NOES!!!
uncle_john: 1st, if he wuz reb, he wudnt have prepared for atk. 2nd shut the hell up
sike: does it bug any1 that meade can figure out most stupid way to atk? ;)
AOP_CINC: i h8 u all
siklz: rebs still comin
AOP_CINC: hold position. no retreat- ima talk 2u howard
uncle_john: stone wall stopped em
imnotslow: stonewall? but hes a reb. and hes dead. YAY ZOMBIE JACKSON FIGHT FOR UNION
uncle_john: *shakes head* damn ur an 1d10t
sike: srsly, howd u get command? did sum1 looz a bet?
uncle_john: reinforcement to middle
uncle_john: ok they stopped now
siklz: rebz retreat. i lead counter atk ok?
AOP_CINC: u make 1 move i shoot u. no atk
uncle_john: reb cavalry round back
AOP_CINC: we stop them. got secret weapon
AOP_CINC: @starofthewest go get em
starofthewest: gonna be a red dawn for da rebs!
uncle_john: dude, it's liek 2pm
siklz: wut are wolverines?
sike: i think its a fat weasel
starofthewest: wheres stuart? I WILL DESTROY HIM!!!
starofthewest: aha! I C him. wth- red lining in cape? LAME
starofthewest: ostrich plume? SOOOOO 1858!!!
starofthewest: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!
starofthewest: rebs r retreat I R WINNER
AOP_CINC: ok evry1 lets wrap it up.
AOP_CINC: @firstname.lastname@example.org big win today, hard fight but team pulled together in the 4th quarter and hung on 4 win
AOP_CINC: @email@example.com our defense overcame early struggles and made a stand inside the redzone to stop rebs.
AOP_CINC: @firstname.lastname@example.org like to thank our fans and the peeps of PA for their support
email@example.com: good job evry1. glad to hear ANV is destroyed
AOP_CINC: thanks. now tiem to rest and rebuild strength.
AOP_CINC: wait, what about ANV?
firstname.lastname@example.org: theyre destroyed right? u said big win, i figure dat mean u destroy army.
email@example.com: ANV NOT destroyed? wat mean big win then?
AOP_CINC: well rebs not beat us.
firstname.lastname@example.org: THAT is big win? u not looz so big win?
AOP_CINC: well rebs r retreat to VA now
email@example.com: WTF? u let them retreat? u not atk?
firstname.lastname@example.org: u fn kiddn me? so they walk bak 2 VA and u do wat, hold party? why u even HAV army?
email@example.com: u in command to defeat rebs. not host battle 4 them. fight and beat. no more rebs.
firstname.lastname@example.org: *sigh* u mebbe atk b4 they cross river?
email@example.com: oh for God's sake!
firstname.lastname@example.org: ok. u follow rebs, keep them in vA. mebbe even atk, but lets focus on keep in VA. can do?
email@example.com: @SamIam Grant, u got a minute?